Chapter One: Starting Your Very Own Mega-Church
Chapter Two: Profit
Chapter Three: How to Cope With Losing Half Your Money to Your Ex-Wife
After You’re Caught with a (Male) Hooker
Chapter Four: Repeat.
(the above written by my sketch-writing partner Andy who doesn’t have a blog)
I used to be quite domestic. I prided myself in setting a beautiful table, making impressive recipes from scratch, decorating my home… but now? Now, I’ve never once sat at my dining room table, I own one tiny skillet, one tiny 2-quart saucepan and no muffin tins, still haven’t hung pictures in my apartment after moving in 5 months ago, never make my bed, much less use pillow shams, and I honestly cannot remember the time I washed dishes. Somehow I’ve regressed. Most people eat cereal out of re-used take-out containers, don’t have a single table linen and have refrigerators filled with more beer than food when they’re in college or right after, not when they’re 28.
When I look back on that domesticated life I once had, I’m a tiny bit nostalgic and I think I want to be that way again… some day. 24-year-old me would’ve shaken her finger at 28-year-old me for living like this. But come to think of it, 24-year-old me was wound just a bit too tight and she didn’t know much about having fun.
I don’t know if it’s because I moved out of the South and away from alleged societal pressures to be the perfect housekeeper and hostess or because I’ve finally started living fully. I’m busy now. I don’t have to fill my empty evenings with table linen shopping or wreath making because my evenings are full. Full of lively, fun activities I really enjoy. Full of good, deep, true friendships. Full of writing and working towards a career I actually dream about.
So, I won’t mourn the demise of my domesticity. I’ll just get super rich and hire a housekeeper to be domestic for me.
I was blessed this weekend with a visit from my dear friend, role model and person I want to be one day, Julie. Julie and three other girls from Augusta ran the Chicago marathon in record time (they blew right past the Kenyans and Ethiopians as if they were standing still) and still managed to have the energy for celebratory drinks and dinner followed by some live jazz at The Green Mill.
Julie, Jen and Kristin post-race. How is it possible to look this good after 26.2 miles? I would look like a wreck after 26.2 feet of running.
During our delicious supper at the Hancock Tower, Julie reminded me that I have a blog. Whoopsie. I’d completely forgotten all about it. So even though I have a lot to catch up on and very little internet time with which to do so (I’m currently using McDonald’s WiFi and trying my hardest not to spank every loud, obnoxious brat in the joint. WHAT IS WRONG WITH PARENTS THESE DAYS?!) I thought I’d just drop a quick post congratulating Julie, Jen, Kristin and Veronica on their huge accomplishment and thanking them (as well as their faithful cheerleaders, Sarah and Sarah) for a lovely visit.
Julie, now you don’t have to look at those 3 boys anymore :)
These last two weeks have been so busy and I have a lot to tell you all but for now, this picture of some bros enjoying the pretty Lake Michigan colors will have to suffice, I have a sketch to write.
Come Monday morning, my 3 month unemployed streak will be broken. WOOHOO!!! At 9:00 a.m., I’ll start my new job as a Notice Drafter for the law firm of Pierce & Associates.
What is a notice drafter, you ask? You always ask such good questions. From what I understand, I’ll compose and send letters to all parties who hold a vested interest in home that’s being foreclosed on. These letters will inform them of the court date and location concerning their case. I don’t have any experience with law firms or anything but I’m looking forward to being employed and learning a few new skillz. I’m also looking forward to having somewhere to be on a regular basis and dressing like a professional adult again.
This website is my favorite thing. They blog cute and heartwarming pictures and stories of dogs. This one in particular kills me. I’ve reblogged it below.
Blind Boxer Bax gets a new lease on life – after being taken under the wing of a pet goose called Buttons
Owner Renata Kursa, 47, of Lublin, Poland, was heartbroken when Boxer Bak was left blind after an accident last year.
Buttons the four-year-old goose leads her pal around everywhere either by hanging onto him with her neck, or by honking to tell him which way to go.
‘But gradually Buttons got him up on his feet and starting walking him around. They’re inseparable now – they even chase the postman together,’ she said.
If you love dogs, I highly recommend checking this site at least daily.
I have had a devil of a time finding a job! It would probably be easier for me to get hired as an ex-con or high school dropout than as a college graduate with 5 years of non-managerial experience. The jobs that require experience are going to those who have 10 or more years experience and the jobs that require no experience are going to those without college degrees because they’re cheaper to hire. I’m seriously considering setting up shop on a street corner.
One glimmer of hope – I had a very positive interview with a temp agency this morning. Fingers crossed that they’ll send me on a job soon. I sure would hate to spend my days digging through Clark Street trash cans and pushing a grocery cart down the sidewalk.
I’ve also applied for a number of dog walking/sitting jobs and various and sundry waitressing and retail positions. If you have any other suggestions for where I can find work in Chicago (without a car) I’d LOVE to hear them! In the meantime, I’ll continue to survive on gruel and rusty tap water. :)
What a professional!
Preface: I try not to talk about weight because it’s a very off-putting topic but it will occasionally sneak in. If you’d like to maintain the illusion that I’m super tiny and cute, please keep scrolling and don’t read this.
I had an interview at Bath & Body Works today (that’s right, a Bachelor’s degree and 5 years of PR experience have potentially qualified me to sell moderately-priced lotion and shower gel gift sets to people who don’t know what to give as gifts) and I had a devil of a time finding something to wear. All of my pants and skirts were at least 2 sizes too big and the only way I can keep them on is to cinch up my belt as tight as it will go in a very Huck Finn fashion. Why are all my clothes too big?
While this is fantastic news for my health and waistline, it’s not great news for trying to look professional. My pencil skirt looks like a zippered pencil bag and my tops all billow and bag in a very unflattering fashion. It’s a vicious cycle: I need new clothes that fit properly in order to get a job but I can’t buy new clothes (or have the existing ones tailored) until I have a job that provides me with money. Woe is me!
I realize this is all very silly and petty compared to most of the world’s problems but if I can’t complain on the internet to strangers, where can I complain?
My terribly generous parents UPS’d me 4 boxes of linens, kitchen things and towels.
Puzzlingly, there was only 1 pillow in the box but 17 boxes of 3-year old diet food had been packed up from the garage and shipped to my Lincoln Park place. Daddy later explained that he was worried I would run out of money and he thought I could eat this diet food when I couldn’t afford groceries. No word on why a pamphlet about “Historic Women on Stamps” or a print-out of an email from a wedding client in 2007 were included.
Remember those “before” pictures of my empty apartment? I can now reveal to you the stunning “after” shot. I hope you’re sitting down.
I now have a bed!! Still no table, chairs, sofa, TV or internet. Heck, I don’t even have mail (a problem that is becoming increasingly more annoying as the weeks wear on.) But a bed is a great improvement over a lone towel and the hard floor.
Just when I thought my week couldn’t get any better, my friend Kelly arrived Thursday morning from Athens for a weekend visit. And she brought presents (Georgia peach coasters and a copy of Tina Fey’s Bossypants which I may or may not have already read 2 times through.) We ate some lunch, rode the bus downtown (I am obsessed with riding the bus! I will sometimes just get on to ride around like a homeless Vietnam Vet), walked around Macy’s, saw Millenium Park, walked in the Art Institute Museum, ate deep dish pizza at Giordano’s (thanks again, Kim!) and then walked most of the way home in the rain because I don’t know how one-way streets work.
Kelly, posing with some guy she met at a club.
On Friday, we woke up, ate some breakfast and set out to see some real Chicago landmarks: the homes of Larry & Balki and the Winslow Family.
Larry & Balki's Apartment
The Winslow Abode
We stumbled upon Oz Park, saw Wrigley Field, ate a cupcake at Molly’s and went to the World’s Most Pretentious Hipster Movie Theater** to see Win Win, a very likeable film. The evening ended with a pleasant meal at Oodles of Noodles where we each pulled a muscle rolling our eyes at the party girls seated next to us.
Saturday, we took a stroll through Lincoln Park and walked along Lake Michigan. Despite the overbearing fog and lack of sun, I still managed to get sunburned. I think it’s my spiritual gift – to sunburn even in the absence of sun. Afterward, we headed to Old Town where I showed Kelly The Second City and the Training Center (that makes me feel like Jared from The Pretender or Jason Bourne in Bourne Ultimatum), we had some lunch and walked back uptown. We cleaned up and ate supper at The World’s Most Diverse Restaurant**. They had gyros, American-style Thanksgiving dinner (turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes and dressing), Japanese stir-fry, burritos and more. We then saw an improv show at The Playground Theater which was most enjoyable and hilarious. One half of a delightful couple from Ethos performed with her improv group and the other half sat with us during the show. We may or may not have made another trip to Molly’s.
Sunday, we worshiped at Ethos where there was fantastic music and a very solid message, further cementing my decision to choose that church. Brunch was consumed in record time, we grabbed Kelly’s bags, jumped on the bus and raced (at a public transportation rate) to Midway airport where Kelly boarded her flight in the nick of time.
It was a delightful weekend. It was even warm on Sunday! In Georgia, 81 degrees** on an April day is chilly but everybody in Chicago was parading around in shorts and flip flops like it was full-blown summer.
*If you haven’t watched every single episode of Ruby on Netflix Instant, please go do so. I’ll wait. Are you back? Do you find Ruby increasingly obnoxious but can’t stop yourself from clicking “Next Episode”? Me too.
**Somebody needs to teach me how to do that little TM thing or the copyright C in a circle. And the degrees symbol too.
Flooding Susie's Inbox 